Worth a giggle!

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So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion)and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft,it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

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So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

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The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up,I said "Did you get my drift?".

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So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint,this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

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But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

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So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,it was Wedgie Kray.

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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter,I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

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But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

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So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

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So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller",he said "Not you again".

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He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

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Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.

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And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

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So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

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So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins,I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

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Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here".

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A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you,but don't start anything".

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A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says,"Is this some kind of joke?".

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A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here".

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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

LOL, just got round to reading them, very good

lol

Wonderful! Seriously, quite hilarious.

And we really did put 'Big light' on, and leave a ten bob note fer t' burglar.