One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."

MORAL: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Another one ....... I hate jokes BTW.

A gas station in West Virginia was trying to increase its sales, so the
owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up"

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free
sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed
correctly, he would get his free sex.

The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The
number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the
same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2
this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but
no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game
is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy. It ain't rigged ----- my wife won twice last week."

One day, an old lady went to the bank with a large bag full of money. The old lady insisted on speaking to the president of the bank in order to open a savings account because, she said, she had a lot of money. After much discussion an employee took her to the office of the president. The president of the bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She said £165,000. Curious, he asked her how she had saved such a large sum of money. The old lady said she made bets. The president, quite surprised, asked: "What kind of bets?"
The old lady said: "For example, I bet you £25,000 that your testicles are square." The president started to laugh and pointed out that this kind of bet was impossible to win! The old lady replied: "Would you like to make a bet?"

"Certainly", answered the president, "I can guarantee you that my testicles are not square." The old lady said to him: "Given the size of the bet, I'll come back tomorrow at 10am with my lawyer as a witness, if it's alright with you." "No problem," said the president. On the next day, 10am sharp, the old lady arrived with her lawyer at the office of the president. The president then dropped his trousers so that she and her lawyer could see everything. The old lady came closer and asked him if she could touch them. "Considering the size of the bet, of course you can," said the president, "you must be 100 per cent sure." The lady, smiling, started to do so.

The president looked up to see the lawyer banging his head against the wall. He asked the old lady: "What is he doing?" She answered: "It's probably because I bet him £100,000 that around 10am today, I would be holding the testicles of the president of the bank in my hands!"

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"

"Twenty-six," he said

Sorry that is the last one for today..... I have to get up soon and I haven't been to bed yet.

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, and one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Now that is the last one.