The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in
October 1995 between a U.S. Navy ship and the British authorities off the
Scottish North coast.

BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid
collision.

U.S. NAVY: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to
avoid a collision.

BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.

U.S. NAVY: This is the Captain of U.S. Navy Ship, I say again, divert
YOUR course.

BRITISH: Negative, I say again, you will have to divert your course.

U.S. NAVY: THIS IS THE CAPTAIN OF THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN,THE
SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET, WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS, DEMAND

THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH
OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITISH: WE ARE A LIGHTHOUSE. F*CK OFF

that was enlightening

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."

The AC joke has been around a while (name your country and then insert the name of a US Aircraft carrier (Forrestal, Nimitz, Enterprize, etc.) vs like a lighthouse, a dockyard, an island...either way, going from what my US Navy friends tell me, when you get to Captain in the US navy, all common sense takes off and you get some A$$h0le who thinks the sea is his to command. One friend served in the Sub service on a boomer (US Ballistic Missle sub) and found that the captain there had cast Iron or Titanium juevos...Sonar reported an underwater contact, moving, and was either another sub or a whale. The captain, who is responsible for the safety of the ship, ordered an ACTIVE ping (boomers are not supposed to do this for obvious reasons!) It was an underwater mount, not a whale or a sub. The captain just missed hitting it. Instead of just going around it, he decided to either deafen a whale or risk getting tracked by an enemy sub...Stupid!

Didnt know that German ATCs were so short tempered...I do know, however, that you do not mess with Gatwick security when it comes to international travel...I was leaving from Gatwick and misplaced my passport...When I reported to the agent that I would need some time he was calm and cool about it. When I started emptying my pockets and briefcase fo its contents, he became irritated. When I asked to have my luggage removed from the plane for me to look in it for my passport he blew a gasket. I found my passport after security did a full pat-down and search of my person (delayed me 45min) and when it was over they informed me that I was persona non grata and to enter England through Heathrow next time...they felt I had punished them enough!